Part 5: SUCK IT YOURSELF

That's right, SUCK. IT. YOUR. DAMN. SELF.
What does that mean? Let me tell y'all.
My BFF and I had a girls night last weekend and were at THE BAR. I was not drinking because well, as a rule I find I like myself better the next morning if I refrain from drunken shenanigans. (SHENANIGANS!!!!)
Anyfreakinway.....while we were at the bar I look up and on the mirror above the bar there is a bumper sticker. On that bumper sticker was SUCK IT YOURSELF.
I wholeheartedly agree. Now, I'm not saying that you will never WANT to do such a heinous act but in my humble beaver opinion this should be saved for when your petersmack deserves it. It may be never.
Nothing beavs me more than hearing a beer drinking, fart wielding, couch monkey say "Can I get a blow job?"
OK, there are many MANY things wrong with THAT picture.
A. If I wanted to suck it for you, I would, you wouldn't have to ask. The fact that you did have to ask should tell you something. If you still can't figure it out then the fact that I say NO should clue your dumbass in.
B. Do you REALLY think I'm going to stick my mouth in a place that just filled the room with such a stench that I had to break out the Febreeze? No. No I'm not. Nowhere near that vicinity will I go. Fahghet abat it.
C. What have you done for me lately? Really.
You freakin men are so effing clueless it isn't funny. I mean really, when does a girl EVER say to you..."Hey hon, do you feel like a Beaver snack?" Never. At least not from this chic. Why? I'll tell you why. CUZ WE DONT HAVE TO ASK.
We don't have to ask because we aren't acting like idiots (i.e farting, belching, beer guzzling) and we DO deserve it. Just the fact that we let you have sex with us at all should be good enough. It's sticky, it's sweaty, and frankly most of the time it isn't much fun. You men like to think we girls are contortionists or something crazy. Hey! I'M NOT A FUCKING PRETZEL. I don't want to be a porn star, if I wanted to be a porn star I'd go shake my ass at a titty bar while saving for a boob job so I could get to Hollywood and sex it up with strangers. Am I doing that? No. Why? Cuz I have class dammit. Us girls with class like to be treated a certain way...and "Hon, can I have a blow job?" is NOT the way to get us classy girls in your man region. Ya feel?
Instead, PERHAPS you fuckers could take us to dinner every once in awhile, maybe bring home some damn flowers, surprise us with a weekend away, play with our hair, give us some down time, write us sweet notes, send us flowers at WORK so our girlfriends are jealous, etc. But no, no that never happens. We girls like to feel special (I know it's a shocker fellas but it's true, I wouldn't lie to ya) and we like to know how much you like us. We also like it when you do the damn dishes once in awhile and take your effing turn at wiping snotty noses. THAT'S what turns us girls on. We like flowers, and dinners, and quiet nights snuggling.
For you royal retards let me tell you what snuggling means because some (most) of you idiots need some damn guidance in that department.
Snuggling: Playing with a girls hair, hugs, massages, whispers in a girls ear.
NOT snuggling: Your hand in my lady regions.
Get it together fellas, if you snuggle properly you just might get laid because we WANT to, not cuz we HAVE to. It all goes right back to we girls like to feel special.
How do you know if you're making us feel special? It's easy. You don't have to ASK for us to suck it, we'll do it cuz you clowns deserve it.
And that's why when you have to ASK for a hummer the proper response from us Beavers is SUCK IT YOURSELF.